NEVER TO LOOK TO YOU AGAIN

Caring is vital tool for nourishing any relationship. Relationship is built through mutual love and affection to start with. But it needs continuous caring to flourish. The extension of love is contingent on approved behavior. Expectations are always high from partners. A little negligence or ignorance is likely to dampen the spirit. Mithu behaved like this after my long absence. It never came back to me again. Though it did not dampen my love for him, but I could never enjoy his reciprocation again. Yes, it was a heart breaking set back to me. The relationship developed got shattered all the way. About 40 years back, in early sixties, some one very dear to me expressed her annoyance in similar way and that resulted in loss of that relationship without maturing to any extent. I consider that period to be one of the best in my life. But that was the most unfortunate comment made and followed by some one so close to my heart. After doing 12th std, then known as pre university, I along with my friend Raman took admission in B.Sc part I at St. Xavier’s college, Ranchi. We lived at Rajashan Chatraniwas about 3 kms away from college. Our plan was to get admission to some engineering college after B.Sc part I. But I could not get through the required high grade to be competent for admission into any engineering college. Raman moved to BIT, Sindri and I continued at St. Xavier’s college. Thus we were together at Rajasthan Chhatrniwas for one year only. There after Santu became my room partner. He belongs to Jamshedpur and we still maintain good contact. I could make a few good friends in college also. Sanjay Banerjee was one of them who used to live opposite to our hostel. So I got a company in him while going to and from college. One day while returning from college, it started raining and we took shelter under one shed along side. Suddenly two young girls on a rickshaw passed through throwing a smile towards us. They were not known to me. Sanjay let me know that they were his sisters living in the same house. The taller and very beautiful was his sister Shobha and the shorter one was his cousin Anita. Well I had never seen them before nor did I notice for them further. Within next few months Sanjay left for BIT, Sindri where Raman was studying. In between both girls had seen me going to college with Sanjay and could know that I was their brother’s friend. Once Sanjay gone away, things changed dramatically. Our hostel was housed in single storied building with construction of 2ndfloor going on. Their house was situated right across the road and in front of our room. It was a huge mansion with spacious corridors around. They used to live in the first floor. Shobha’s father was advocate. The younger one had widow mother. One fine morning when I was getting ready for college, she came in balcony smiling and suggested me to wait till she gets ready for school. Their school dress was white sari with red borders. After some time she again appeared in school dress and we took off. They were on rickshaw and I followed them on my cycle. I followed them up to Firayalal chowk about 3 kms from our hostel. Then we diverted towards respective school and college. My first period was lost in the process, but I started following this routine daily. On way, she used to look back smilingly many times. She was in class 10. She had long hairs which she used to wash regularly and kept untied while going to school. This became my routine. She on her part was very particular to come to balcony to inform me about her program. In addition, she would be in balcony when ever convenient to share her glance and smiles with me. I got inspired to spend a good amount of time in front of window facing her balcony waiting for her to appear. I found myself very sentimentally attached to her. It hampered my studies also. Gradually I could know about her programs to various activities such as to movie, any cultural show or even her outing for shopping through her dresses and company. And I never missed to follow her. We had been to see movies together but at different seats. We had roamed around some shopping centre in Ranchi. We had been to some Bengali cultural shows also, but I never tried to talk with her. She always had some guardian with her. So she too was hesitant. It was post china war period. We had lost war against china. Ramgarh cantonment was close to Ranchi. Soldiers of Ramgarh cantonment suffered the most. Ranchi was flooded with soldiers moving around after the war. Singing of National Anthem was made compulsory after each film show. The whole atmosphere was charged with national sentiments. She along with her sister Anita used to go to her roof top with gramophone. Conveniently I too used to go to our roof top. She used to play ‘ Aei Mere watan ke logo’ the most famous patriotic song very regularly. This was the song which made Pandit Nehru shed tears in public. Perhaps this was the only Hindi song she had. She had no opportunity to know even my name or identity. But she knew that my native language was Hindi because I was in Rajasthan Chhatraniwas. It was great gesture and caring love on her part to play Hindi song only. It all started as gimmick but soon I could realize how deeply I got involved. I could feel the intensity of my attachment and love for her without any talk in between. Her smiling lips and twinkling eyes confirmed that it was from both side. I was restless to share this development with some one I can trust upon. Raman was away to Sindri. I had no alternative than to share all about with my room mate Santoo. Although he could sense a bit through my movements but never came out with any eagerness of his own. Once I opened up, he shocked me by his reaction. He bought a HINDI- BENGALI translation book very next day. It took a few days for him to translate the song “Ye mera prem patra padh kar ki tum naraz na hona’ in to Benagali. He intended to pass on this to her. He started following her to school as I used to do. I had to stop my routine. He wanted to know her name from me but I refused to share. This led to some altercation and some misunderstanding developed between us. One day he threw that letter into her rickshaw which she threw back without reading. That made him to realize the depth of her affection for me and he withdrew. During those days, I could not even react to her programs. In fact I ignored to react to her appearance in balcony as Santoo kept a watch over our movement. She was restless but could not share her feelings with me by any means. Fortunately good sense prevailed over Santu and our routine resumed again but with a difference. Other wards of hostel could know all about this. One day hostel superintendent called me to his office and warned very politely about all this. He drew my attention towards loss of concentration to my studies on account of this affair. I had no answer to him. I could not resist the temptation to react to her silent call positively. Soon her family members could grasp her restlessness. She was scolded in front of me by her guardians. But we just ignored all warnings. In first year, I used to have weekly visit to Purulia. But with this new routine and development, I never wanted to leave the station. I wanted to spend as much time in her company though from distance and without talk. As the summer vacation set in, I had to leave for Purulia. She could understand the situation with my movement and luggage on the rickshaw. She fared me well from her balcony up to possible visibility with utmost grief in her eyes and expression. I could not dare to be in contact with her through letters even. Time wait for none. Whether we pass it with glee or grief, it goes on. The hard and long summer days passed. I returned back with many ‘ifs and buts’ in mind. Right forth I reached up to my window and soon she was there with full smile. I could understand from her moving eyes and attention that other boys were also at their windows watching her movement. She did not care. She stood there for long. Meanwhile her aunt followed her and got annoyed to see boys staring towards her from respective windows. She scolded her and us also. Next morning I was shocked and amazed to see work going on to cover the long balcony with curtains so that no one could peep into their house. That stopped light and air to enter into their house. But it was their way to stop infiltration from our hostel’s side. That made our life miserable .More restrictions were put on her. But we continued to peep into each other through those opaque curtains. She continued to come to the nearest point in her balcony to inform about her outings. I continued to give her company from at a distance. It was high time for us to take a step forward. Rather she must be expecting me to step up. I had to be away to Purulia again during pooja for a week. Her school was also closed. Within two days after my return I found her ready in new colorful dress. As usual I came out of hostel to see her moving along with Anita and her aunt on rickshaw. I followed them up to durga mandir near Firayalal. There was an exhibition and we all entered into it. We were there for an hour looking into each others eyes through out. We were in touching distance. Perhaps we were never so close to each other. At times Anita took away her aunt to other side giving us some moments to share. We could have or rather should have talked or at least hand shacked that day. Her expectations were also very high from me. But all her hopes dashed due to my inaction. How long could she stay there and soon we all came out without anything positive. I got moved by her charm and closeness on that .beautiful evening. Next day same event got repeated. Her parents were with her in place of aunt. They went to the same place and I followed. Perhaps she wanted her parents to see the exhibition or intended to enjoy my company in course. She got her parents entered. She along with Anita remained outside waiting for them to return. I was standing a few yards away with my cycle. We were just staring at each other, but she was not with her usual smiles. Suddenly she came up to me. Only my cycle was in between us. She had taken a big step forward. It was my turn now to reciprocate with some welcome gesture to come out of our one and half year’s s silent intimacy. It seemed that world had no existence for both of us during those moments. A simple hello could have made life different. But existence of the world around made me to look away from her for a moment. And she uttered the first and last words to me in bengali AAR KONO DIN TUMAR DIKE TAKABO NAI’ means NEVER TO LOOK TO YOU AGAIN. Before I could grasp the situation and come out of the shock, she rushed towards Anita and soon they all took off back home. Stunned I followed them. But she did not look back once. She never came before me there after. She was committed to her only words uttered to me. I could only condemn my self as a coward lover. That was the termination of our courtship or relationship. I had followed her for miles, she had played patriotic song for me many times, we shared silent staring to each other for more than a year, she got scolding for her act and I had to quit honors for investing more time in this affair than study but without a talk in between. She could not even know my identity. But she could well understand how weak I was as a person or lover. The end was pathetic. Indeed she was a girl of words. She told me never to see me again. She meant it and she did so. She never came to balcony again and she never went to her roof top there after. She even discontinued to go to school and never turned her face towards our hostel. The situation brought me to the point of to be no where. I did not go to Purulia in X’mas vacation. I used to pass time at random. To me everything was darker and no hope of any recovery was visible. I was more disturbed to think of her agony and state of mind. At this juncture, my friend Jugal took me into confidence one evening. I narrated him the whole situation crying for hours together. Then he made all points that he wanted to instill into my mind very deeply and distinctly. According to him, it was never to be a matured relation and some day had to be met such end. He further suggested me to face the challenge of final examination first and let her do the same way. There after he wanted me to review the situation again. His timely suggestion worked like magic. For next three months I got myself involved in studies very sincerely. I don’t know what made me to realize the situation as truly as he wanted. But I acted as per his advice. I took special coaching in mathematics and chemistry. I devoted more time in college library and study centre to concentrate towards study only. God was gracious and luck was favorable that I graduated with high grades. My examination was to be over by May .But last two papers had to be postponed on account of Nehruji’s death on 27th May. So I left for home next day to be back in the last week of June for remaining papers. I tried my best to see her once before I left for Purulia for good. But all my efforts went in vain. She kept her hard words intact. I did not return to Ranchi for one year. I collected my result through some one. Next year I got married. I visited Ranchi after marriage for taking admission in Law. I could know that she too passed matriculation in second division and then she was married unexpectedly quite early. And I am yet to meet her again. I had been to Ranchi many times after that. I always tried to visit my hostel and went to peep to her balcony if possible through the same window. In my last visit I happened to enter into her house for the first time. It had been sold to others. No one could inform about them. It had been more than 35 years that we got in to each other’s life and departed abruptly. One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is LOVE, it is said. But it gets transformed into a joyful and everlasting pain instead. Love has no awareness of merit or demerit. It has no scale. Love just loves. I am still interested and inclined to meet her. I know if I try, I can find some link to lead up to her. With this in mind, I asked my inspirer about her suggestion in this regard. She was firmy very negative to this idea. The physical transformation in both of us would hurt both, she explained. Besides, it’s not going to serve any positive purpose, rather creat disturbance at both end. So according to her, let it be ever refreshing as sweet happening in life.