MY CHILDHOOD MATES

I don’t have a diary or record to gather all information that I want to include .I am to recollect all out of my memory. It might not be that easy to keep the sequence of happenings. It might appear like a scattered way of collecting facts of vital interest or sometime even of not that importance. It might touch your heart at times or might skip unnoticed. But for me, all little events or happenings would be very important to look into and share with as my life must have been built around them. To switch over from current affairs to childhood memories will not be that smooth, but situation demands it. It might be too late otherwise. I apprehend it not to be that pleasing also. But life has to be taken up as it comes. It is inevitable. God almost fulfills all the desires of His ward. So let we get prepared to tune to that music of life too which we might not like to listen considering it to be His desire. A little girl from neighbor and of course a distant relative too, was my first childhood mate. We were of same age of around 7/8 years. After school time, we used to spend good amount of time together. She used to be with me during my home tuition too. When we were around 10 years, she left for Calcutta for good. Yes I missed her a lot, but then got engaged with other companions, I presume. She returned when she was 14 and tried to meet me to revive the old friendship. She came for a week only. But I was so shy that avoided meeting her. She left with a note that next time if at all she did come, it would be after her marriage as early marriage was the system of those days. And next year I attended her marriage. Thereafter we might have met 2/3 times on different social occasions. And about 4/5 years back, I could know that she was suffering with cancer .On shobha’s insistence, we both went to meet her and thereafter within two months, she took her journey to abode. I could just pray for the peace of the soul. Around same period, my cousin, Nandu was my other intimate friend. We would go to school together and visit each other’s place daily. He was only 10 days elder to me. Then he went for a good school away to Madras .He returned after doing matriculation, became very smart in city life. He got admission at Calcutta, but could not adjust there and discontinued studies after intermediate. We enjoyed maiden trip to a hill station Mussorie for ten days in 1961.He could enjoy more as he was smart, could mix up with young crowd from Delhi and I as per my shy nature used to enjoy natural beauties of that beautiful station, which is still my favorite place. Thereafter I went to Ranchi for studies. We would meet whenever I came to Purulia. He later on had hard time to settle in business .We had been closely associated, but never to that depth that can be termed as friendship .But it is certainly a very intimate family contact. We had pleasant trip to different places like Ranchi, Calcutta, Rajgir, Tata etc. Without informing about our trip, once we went to Calcutta for enjoying a movie. There are many such sweet memories .Last year when I met him, he was restless and was afraid of serious illness .He was addicted to Panparag with tabacco.I suggested him many changes in food habits, but it was too late. And soon he was detected malignanat. On my request he came to Faridabad and after check up, our Doctor let me know that his life span can not be prolonged beyond two years. And now he is counting his days. Last week I rushed to meet him at Calcutta and so long I was with him, he was very cheerful to surprise even his wife and son .But I had to return back after spending a few hours with him in hospital. For those three hours he forgot the pain of cancer. We talked on very light matters and I very frankly told his wife and son to be prepared for the inevitable which was not far away .I still hope to meet him at Purulia next week and wish to spend some time with him When last time, in July I was in Purulia, Nandu used to meet me every morning. He was losing weight regularly. I asked him to go for a check up. He was frightened with chances of any adverse outcome. He would get out of office feeling suffocation and wanted to stop my conversation on ill health. I returned to Faridabad. Soon he was detected for cancer at an advanced stage. Whenever I used to come to Purulia and if some death occurred in our contacts during my stay, he used to say that it was a routine during my stay over. I am afraid of it this time when I expect to see him here ailing seriously. If something happens to him as his days are numbered, I might blame my self. So I feel to cut short my visit this time. I can’t face the situation This time my Purulia visit was not that fruitful so far pre determined purpose was concerned. I spenttime in meeting friends and relatives, seeing movies, writing mails and of course to be with my ailing friend Nandu .He felt quite comfortable with me around. His wife, son and daughter also confirmed the same. He tried to follow what suggestion I put forward .He took me to Gourinathdham, a popular Shiwtemple, which I visited after forty years .One day he requested me to phone him daily from Faridabad as he felt that would ease his sufferings for some time. And when I was about to leave, he asked ”Main Thik Ho Jaungana,Sach Sach Batao”.Oh, I was shaken by that question. What a trust he had developed upon me. What’s the peach of agony he was suffering within apprehending the out come .I again sat down near him for more than an hour to talk all about life and its ultimate fate? It reminded me of a similar talk we had in between me, my late friend Bissu and Biren sometime 14 years ago at Chabi biri garden. Peeping into my life so far, I told them that I had lived a full life ,got tremendous love, affection and regards ,rarely received by many ,from parents, children ,friends old or young, society, Rotarians and from all the people with whom I happened to be in contact.. So if death comes suddenly, I was ready to welcome .If God wanted to get me back tomorrow, I would like to make it today to be at one with his desire. I asked the same question to Nandu, assuring that he would be alright. But suppose God needed him, why to be afraid of death? Let us not afraid of our death. Let people be afraid of our death. So be prepared strongly to act on His signal .I know it is easier said than done. If some courage comes up within him to face the reality with brevity, my out speaking would be timely I returned back to Faridabad with hopes out of hopeless situation to see him again. About three /four months later, he was moved to Calcutta. His younger brother’s son was to get married. All family members including his parents were there around. We too went there to attend the marriage with an opportunity to see ailing Nandu. We were with him in the hospital for most of the time escaping out of marriage. He was not comfortable even to open his eyes or to talk. His parents were placed into a fix. Physically they were present in marriage but sentimentally with ailing son having very limited life. Me and Shobha spent good amount of time with him during our two day’s stay over there. Then we went to Mayapur to see Iscon temple .We returned after two days to find Nandu in I C U. I went to see him there. He did not open his eyes He was restless .He could recognize my call but could not respond to it. I could for see the inevitable. We returned to Faridabad in the evening. He was put on ventilators for next three days. And then on one after noon I received a call .His father was on other side to inform me that it was all over. Life is so fluid. The way we think it is going to unfold is not the way it is going to unfold. Lesson of life is simply to accept that it is `all a mystery. Let us learn to let it go. SHIWJI…..though three years elder to me, is the most intimate child hood mate. Though living next door, we were not in close touch to start with, perhaps as he was senior. But destiny made him my closest child hood mate. I happened to go to Haridwar and Swargashram along with my grandmother when I was 8 years old. It was a happy coincidence that he was also there with his father. That brought us together for staying in the lonely and natural environment of Swargashram on the bank of the Ganges. It was in the year 1952. Swargashram was a very deserted place with thick forest and the Ganges flowing near by. We used to roam around together with no other activities there around. An intimate bond of relationship developed between us and that continues still. I found him always by my side at all the time since then. Although he had to struggle throughout as a student or later in business, I found his helping hands as a friend around me. It is just out of world to have a friend like him. No quarrel, no difference, no expectations were there from his side during 55 years of our contact. It is one sided help and love that I have received from him. To be frank, I have done nothing for him, even when he needed the most. He knows me more than what I know myself. He knows everything or more what I am to write here. We have a very transparent relation since childhood. I have great regards for him, not only as friend but as a person. He was never good in studies. He could not continue his studies beyond I.Com. He was not successful in business too. He got uprooted from Purulia to Bikaner, back to Purulia and now ultimately settled in Jaipur. We used to pass hours together standing in the corner of our street. He accompanied me on to many small visits to different places of interest near by. I always looked towards him for company, help and assistance. Whether it is for morning or evening walk, social or religious functions, gardening, outings, marriage ceremonies, college and intimate affairs, movie going, picnic or whatever I name and he bestowed it with full devotion and sincerity. I was totally dependent on him for all work and assignment during my marriage to Sangeet’s marriage and in between Goura’s and Sandeep’s marriage. He was always by my side whenever I was emotionally down. Even without many words or resource, he was source of strength to me. He was here last week and as usual I opened my state of mind before him. He never took me otherwise or misunderstood me. I owe to him a lot and would cherish for his friendship and co -operation and above all trust for ever. Let God alone be by his side as he would never like to take anyone’s help. Where ever he be , he is very popular because of his simplicity and helping nature. In Purulia, even the street labors and ricksaw pullers miss him. Whenever he is there, they would never miss to meet him and he too reciprocates gleefully. He was never in comfortable position financially. He could make himself a bit stable very late in life. But he always supported me for my little needs in early days. He never allowed me to pay for movie tickets or at restaurant, tea stalls or even at Paan ki dukan. At times he had to borrow money from others to make these payments, I remember. In fact, he spoiled me so much by his support that I never dare to pay for any such thing in his presence still. He always believes in giving. Since many years, we live apart He is in Jaipur and I am at Faridabad. But we have the same tuning still in between us. We meet occasionally now but we share every thing with same intimacy and trust. We have the same love, affection, trust and caring in between.

BLOSSOMING

Let me now deal about my feelings for her as that is the subject to deal with here. Soon I found that I got addicted to good morning with though forced smile from her. I used to miss that on Sundays when she was not to be there. And as usual I might tell the same to family members. I used to get reminder like TODAY IS SUNDAY, PLEASE SMILE OR TRY TO SMILE. Sunday is always tuff to pass on with no specific assignment in hand. Otherwise too I don’t have engagements in office, but with Sandeep and yes now she around, I feel comfortable. So my first feeling for her absence started on Sundays. Then one day she was off for half day, and I felt some loneliness. I told this to Shobha and as she knows my in and out truly, she didn’t need to discuss about it. After great deal of thinking, I very simply passed on this behavioral change in me to her with all my humbleness and with a request not to misunderstand me whatsoever. I don’t know about her reaction, but hope, though it might have shocked her, she should take it up sportingly and in right perception. It took a good amount of time to read myself so far my interest in her was concerned. Once I could know that I miss her on Sundays and I have an urge to see her very regularly I studied myself very deeply to ascertain my own desires and expectancy from her. A good morning with forced smiles and glance was like an oasis in routine and stagnant life. I wanted to be closer to her. She was at the foot step of her career and I was to be out of active career soon. She had joined our business a few months back and was junior most and only female member around. She was young, attractive, beautiful, simple and sensitive whereas I was seasoned, experienced and yes, caring person. With no active part in business, I had practically no opportunities to interact with her. And I found myself restless to let her know my admiration for her, once I very minutely evaluated my soft and deep feelings for her. My urge was to develop a long lasting friendly interaction with her. I wanted to know more about her. Even without knowing her well and just with so little interaction, I could not resist than to let her know my desire and willingness to develop a cordial and very friendly link with her .Friendly relation is the stitch work of life, if family is like rock and glue. Friendly relation is like extended family. Friends are our bank of trust. We can wrap up a lot of content with friends, even if we meet for little time. I am privileged to have enjoyed such friendship, but had no one like that around in Faridabad. I had never imagined having an urge to make a friend like that before I sensed my feelings for her. I had no other expectancy than to be like a friend. But it itself was very high to expect with so vast a difference in between. Once I passed on my true feelings to her in a sentence and read her shocking reaction, I wanted to have some space and time to explain it to her so that she won’t misunderstand me. That did not seem possible in office. I thought to invite her to be with me in car while returning home so as to have little time to interact with her on it. I was desperate to let her know all about One day I asked her to join me in car, which she politely and firmly refused and avoided .I could not manage to discuss with her all about how I considered her to be so close without any prejudice or expectations nor I could know her reaction or how she took my attachment with her. It’s certain that she could understand my admiration for her, but that might have confused her. This feeling of admiration and love could be great if taken in right perception, but could be very detrimental if taken otherwise .But I had no opportunity to clarify it or to know her mind state. I knew myself very distinctly and as I did not have any wrong intention, I was on cloud 9 and could be on top of world if she could accept it rightly. True friends are Gods angels and she came into my life like that angel .To me, she appeared like messenger from God of timely and constant love .Closeness invites friends to act as personal prophets in our life. And I wanted to develop that closeness .She could understand it through my body language in whatever little contact we had in office. But that made her more disciplined and reserved towards me, as she confessed later. She joined us in September and it was around May that all this blossoming happened in my life. This process of blossoming resulted towards some kind of intimacy in between. Intimacy means exposing before some stranger. Everybody wants intimacy but at the same time is afraid of intimacy. Without intimacy, we are alone: no one to share with and no one to trust up on. But no body wants to be exposed totally, at the same time. Any way, my journey of self exposure took off in this uncertain circumstances.

SILENT SURGE AND FLOW

A very valid question as to why she is being involved in this process. Well, I have a mind to focus on it. In the first write up itself, I mentioned about some happenings, which inspired me to take up this exercise. But it was to come later on. I wanted to make me known more distinctly before I take up that, but now sequence is being changed. June is the month I don’t like, hot and humid. I feel suffocated. I enjoy winter as I feel for all types of warmth. Rainy days are most romantic, we always use to enjoy open bath in rains. Spring always brings freshness and color to life. But summer, though it has its beauty as God has created only beauties, even cactus is beautiful, always appears to be harsh. And June 2001 was the severest summer, we faced. Sandeep was away to US and all phones were out of order when by chance with utter shock, I could know that Shobha was suffering with malignancy and that too at advanced stage. When we were down with long and hazardous treatment of Shobha, operation in June end after Sandeeps unscheduled return from USA and chemotherapy was under progress, she joined us. To be more specific she joined us on the day, the famous World Trade Tower was attacked. Out of a few candidates, Sandeep selected her as a fresher, being a simple Bengali girl, still to graduate. She used to sit at the reception, her company limited to visitors. Our contact was only when we would go to conference room for lunch. Sometimes we used to accept good afternoon from her. Our business got slowed down in September after attack on the World Trade Tower. No work load was there on even her. Myself and Sandeep felt and discussed about it and ultimately decided to bring her near to our office to get her acquainted with all and to train her in Human resource or accounts.. We appreciated her coming to this lonely sector, single female among all staff, junior most by age. All this we did just to make her homely and to sustain her. We felt that she joined here under some terrific family situation and therefore we tried to become friendly to give her moral support. I personally informed her about the changes to be made in her seating arrangement. She was not that supportive apprehending to sit so close to management. I assured her to reconsider the situation if she could not bear with. But that situation never came again. So now we must see her at the time of entering to office. She would stand at our entry as a respect perhaps. Atfter sometime I had asked her to bid good morning to us at the first sight and perhaps for good night too, when we leave for home. She was hesitant and not that comfortable perhaps. An interesting episode: one day I sneezed and sneezed very loudly as usual. Sandeep spontaneously remarked, please don’t do that so loudly, WO DAR JAYEGI, sitting just across the wall. She was that SHE, who spontaneously inspired me to be caring to her and later on inspired me to take up writing on self. Well, as per my habit, I narrated this to all family members that a boss should be so careful for his staff, particularly to young and female staff as Sandeep is. This was just a beginning. Thereafter whenever I sneezed, some one, may be Sameep, Divyansh, Champoo, Dinu or at times even Sandeep used to repeat the same. And unknowingly she entered into our family from at a distance. We use to celebrate staff birthday in factory. I don’t remember exactly but on one such occasion I asked her to bring something home prepared and she brought .One request she never complied with. I asked her to come in Sari some time, which she could never do. On her last birthday, cake cutting ceremony was arranged in factory. And intelligently she offered the first piece to me privileged of being senior. Well such small incidents were there to make her feel homely and close to us. Thus she became a friendly part of the whole team, homely to all staff, impressed others with her simplicity and humbleness. She is not dynamic, neither expert but learning her lessons gradually. We want her to learn as much as possible to stand upright in future. In between, Sandeep suggested some change in her seat and she was shifted to next room with all other staff for a month or so. This change was not appreciated by one and all who regularly visit us in office. Yes everyone was missing her presence there. I don’t want to comment on my feelings. So after one month we decided to bring her again there with Ajay too to train her in accounts. Meantime Sandeep received her resignation and one month off for her Bengal trip. He wanted me to talk with her on that. And on my request she informed her problems of transport, which was arranged as she wanted and of course leave had to be granted. She left for Calcutta on 25th May on one months leave. On my request she gave her contact number of Calcutta and Jalpaiguri. Though promised, she never phoned and I was also shy of that. But yes I did not appreciate at times for broken assurances. I was so disturbed on hearing washing away of railway tracks between Darjeeling and Jalpaiguri as she was to be around there on that day. I had to phone at her place to enquire about her wellness. She was not there but all were ok. Interestingly she informed after return that they were to go to Darjeeling that day but cancelled at the last moment. That’s all so far regarding her Bengal trip. She is again amongst us and yes I am delighted. The question asked by her and may be her family members or friends about my keenness to know her well being remains unanswered as yet. To go into it, she or anyone will have to know more about me and my nature. That’s why we - myself and Shobha wished to let our children understand us when they are matured enough not to misunderstand, by writing glimpses of past for them. But now she is being included in this program. To be frank, I value her friendship, to see her ever smiling, to be in touch but why so still remains to be answered. It will never be answered, it can only be felt and I hope to be understood in true and right perspective I am to conclude on this with hopes of coming to it again sometime later if some fresh development happens. Let it be as it is so far so. There were two queries: Why she was involved, because I want her to know me as I am. Why I wanted this, I have no idea, no reasoning, I could find that it was spontaneous. Let it be an experiment and experience of life. I try to invent myself and to find if something wrong has been committed by me. To me, nothing is wrong as I am very clear in my approach and thoughts. When she was informed about my decision to take up writing on self and with her consent she was to be included in this rare exercise, I could read some question mark on her face about why she had to be included though she agreed to. So, I wrote the following lines on a paper and handed over to her duly signed by me. MATRA BAHANA THA LIKHNEKA, MUJHETO APNA DARD TUMHARE DIL DAK PAHUNCHANA THA, JO ANYATHA NA KAH PATA MAIN, NA SUN PATI TUM, AISA SA BHAW JO TUMHE SAMJHANA THA. And after a few days, I requested her if she could write the same in a paper and return back with her signature on it, to be retained by me as a momento. I was delighted to have that from her without any second thought .It was a great consideration on her part. While going for vacation, she gave me her contact phone numbers .her e- mail identity and permission to talk or write mails and now with this message, she won over me. I developed a confidence over my honest and straight forward approach and could imagine about our everlasting friendship where there was no other consideration in between from both sides. I wrote a few little mails during her Calcutta stay though without response. And now she permitted me to store my write ups in her internet account, she assured to go through it and do necessary editing also if possible on her part. A great gesture on her part, a great achievement on my part and it may work out to be a source of information to the family in future. Leaving for Purulia day after, don’t know when will continue with write-ups again, but once started, finding interests in opening up myself to me and to you all. Many little things started coming up in minds, which I might have forgotten. It may not be meaningful to anyone, but I would come up on those sweat and sour past. So wait for the next. Just before leaving for Purulia, I asked Sandeep to arrange for internet facilities to her for all my write ups which she would receive and a copy would be sent to Sangeet also. This I made to make it more transperent. As she was working under Sandeep, I did not think it proper to include him in the exercise at this moment. I made it all a very comfortable get going to a great journey into my past to let her judge me and my life through it. A man can not be comfortable without his own approval. Faith in oneself is the best and safest course. Self confidence is the first requisite to great undertakings .It was a challenge too to be met with her full co operation. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience but where he stands at the time of challenges and controversies .I know, there be no laurels in life, only new challenges to face. And if my source of inspiration be with me, it is to be achieved for sure.